Speaking without a filter

I'm beginning to believe that sometimes my brain lives in an alternate universe than my body. Sometimes I just open my mouth and let whatever is in my mind come flowing out. It's random and sometimes it makes no sense. What got me thinking about this parallel universe that I live in was today when the fedex guy came into my office. I have a knife that someone gave me. I have a habit of opening and closing my knife when I'm reading things on my computer. It's like my stress ball reliever, haha. I didn't realize how crazy this looks until he came into my office. Here I am at a computer with a knife in one hand and I turn around and look at him and smile. He's like, "Wow, that's a knife." My immediate response was to say, "Yep, I'm ready to open some packages." Not really, I just had a knife in my hand like I'm Rambo waiting on the Viet Cong. He then says, "Well it's just an envelope." My response, "Yes it is...but sometimes they can be tricky." In my mind I'm thinking, that was so stupid to say. Well instead of putting the knife down I had to go with it. I simply transfer it to my left hand and am holding it skyward as he cautiously reaches out the tracking device to sign. This wasn't our normal guy. I guess the other one has gotten used to it. Well, I don't want it to seem like I have a knife at all times, maybe he's never seen it. I don't know, but I made a decision, no more knife wielding in the office, or at least when fedex/ups come through. I can't have them thinking I'm crazy :).

If this was the only situation I had found myself in then I would've let it go. Unfortunately, it is not. A couple years ago I was talking to someone who was telling me about Jake. Apparently someone he thought I knew really well. He was like, "That's really sad what happened to Jake. I know ya'll were close." I was like, "Yeah....what was the whole story on that". The whole time I'm trying to remember who Jake was and why he thought I knew him so well. So, while my mind was thinking about Jake, my body was carrying on a conversation. The guy said, "Yeah, he was in that really bad accident and the doctors said he might not have ever walked again if he survived." Well, as I'm still trying to figure out who Jake is, I blurt out, "Well, I guess he's better off." The guy then looks at me and says with a stern face, "Well, he'd still be alive and there's a possibility he could've walked." At this point the back up lights come on in my mind, beep...beep...beep as I realized what I had just said. I should've just said, "Sorry, I was just trying to figure out who in the world Jake was." That's not me though. My motus operandi is to keep talking until the other person is thoroughly confused, :). So at this point I begin to speak, "Well, not better off of course, God rest his soul, but man that's awful. You just have to feel for people when they're in those situations. You never want to lose your legs and you never wanna die, ever. Especially a good man like that. Jake was just Jake and the world will never be the same." The guy looked at me like, "What in the world did you just say?", but he simply said, "Yep." I still wanna know who Jake was. I just took the conversation too far to bring it back.

I smile a lot. I don't know why. I'm happy enough I guess, but I just smile for really no reason. I don't understand it. This has gotten me in trouble before. I was in a situation where I was out and a girl was talking to me. Nothing big, just casual conversation. We were aquaintances who had mutual friends. Well, the boyfriend comes up and wants to jump on my case. She said, "First of all I came and talked to him and we were discussing a mutual friend." I nodded yes and thought that was the end of it. Well then, he says, "What are you looking at, smiley?" Well, my immediate reaction with no filter was to say, "Your face...I can laugh all day at that." This didn't sit well. His girlfriend apologized to me and started to pull him away. I was done and walking away, when I heard, "You say something like that to me again, I'll punch you in the face." Well at this point all logic and reason went out the window and I turned and looked at the guy with a crazy, insane look and said, "You don't know me. You don't what I'm capable of. You take one swing at me and I'll kill you. Not play, like I'll punch you. I'll physically end your life. So swing." He said, "You're insane." I said, "Yes, I am". Now after they walked away, I thought that was really stupid. I'm not a fighter. I'm like a peacock who throws the feathers out there to scare off the predators. I'm all sizzle, no steak :).

So, the bottom line is I'm striving to bring my mind into a more calm reality. I'm trying to think before I speak. Ah, you know what screw it. I like being random. I enjoy smiling. I like to write crazy checks with my mouth that I know my body can't cash. I love to live by the rule that everything is cool, just as long as nobody gets hurt. I know no other way than to live, love and laugh a lot. So, I continue on speaking and writing to other people like I'm having conversations with myself, haha.