Common Sense and Death

I didn't really know how to take this statement, "You're the dumbest, smart person I know. You're really smart, but sometimes you have no common sense." Death is a complicated subject. Most people don't have any idea how they will pass from this life. Not me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm going out in some freak accident. "Man takes hanglider into side of mountain." "Man is attacked by ferocious oppussum." "Man slips on ice in kitchen and breaks his neck." All these are possibilities. I warn my friends and family, hopefully it will be somebody close that finds me. Please, please try to make the situation as socially acceptable as possible. If you find me with a "cincodepablo" shirt and bright orange cowboy hat please put me in a suit before the funeral. The reason death is on my mind is because of my near death experiences in life.

I can remember the first odd situation I found myself in was when I was younger and my brother tried to kill me. My brother is 16 months younger than me and as most sibling relationships go we were the best of friends and the worst of enemies as teenagers. One thing I was skilled at when I was younger was pushing buttons. We were in the kitchen when my brother picks up a butcher knife and begins to explain that he is about to kill me. I, of course didn't stop atognizing him until he began to move toward me with said knife. He then gave me the warning I can still remember, "I am about to stab you with this knife." At this point, I'm backing out the door because I see a little bit of crazy in his eyes like he might do it. I never learned though because as I'm running down the street with him chasing me, I yell, "I'll be back with the Ginsu collection. Be ready moron." His response, "That's fine. Come back and be ready to die." I'm sure the neighbors had questions, :). I love him now. He's one of my closest friends.

When I was fourteen years old I was home and was left in charge as the responsible party. We had a gas fireplace. It was a rather cold day, so I figured it was a good time to light a fire. I thought, "What do I need to do? Put the wood in. Turn on the gas. Light the fire." I begin innocently enough putting the wood in the fire, stacking it up nice. I then turned the gas on. Well, at this point I go to light the fire and can't find matches. I then begin to roam the house looking for matches. Finally after about 10 minutes I find them in a drawer. As I go to light the fire I begin to get excited. Warmth is on the way. What I was not expecting was the amount of warmth I received. I remember very vividly looking straight ahead as the giant ball of fire came blasting through me as I lit the fateful match into all that gas. It singed my hair, eyebrows, and the peach fuzz on my face. I immediately jumped up like, "Oh my God! I'm dead, there's no way I just lived through that." I go to the mirror and see this flushed red face, singed hair, burnt eyebrows and I'm like, "Wow, that was really cool." It didn't do any long term damage, and luckily my Aunt was right across the street and could fix me up with a haircut. Lesson learned, turn on gas and light at same time.

I would love to say that this part of my life is over, but I'm afraid it's still a burden to bear. I just got a new dryer and I needed to change the plug so it would fit my plug-in. I figure, "You know what, I should plug this cord in to make sure it works." I then go to stick said cord into the outlet only to be quickly reminded that it wasn't attached to any kind of machine. Apparently all the wires touching is not a good thing. As I pushed the dryer plug in, the energy shot down the wire and exploded out. Unfortunately my leg was right next to it. It burnt my leg and left a giant black mark on the wall. It also made a loud bang as it tripped every circuit breaker in my house. I could have played it off until someone came to my laundry room and she promptly asked, "Why is there a giant black mark on the wall?" It really sounds weird coming out of your mouth, "I plugged the dryer cord in before I attached it to the dryer."